creative faery

Going home

Ahhhh...if you ever lived in the south, especially Texas, you will understand this story.  Texas is a culture...a way of living.  There is a saying, "you can take the girl out of Texas, but you can't take the Texas out of the girl."  I have always thought this.  I love the mesquite trees and the bright sunshine (I'm a sunshine girl), and I love Big Red and potatoes and Mexican food...all the flavors and smells of Texas...  So, as you can imagine, I call this place home.

I've lived in Idaho now for over 20 years...I've lost my accent and some of my traditions...and still feel this kinship...but this particular trip taught me that it is not my "home."  Home is where you feel comfortable and safe...where your ideas and principals and opinions are all sacred and unique to you and where people accept you for who you are, face value...

When I go to Texas and visit family, I realize sometimes it is not that safe and there are so many parts of me that people don't accept...really, I'm the black sheep...mostly because I'm happy and don't hang out with vampires!  ha-ha...we call people who suck your energy emotional vampires...If that makes me a black sheep and vampires don't like black sheep meat, then I accept that name! ha ha...

The good news:  I had an amazing time with my cousin Karen.  Actually, I teased her and my family that I had a rotten, no good, terrible, horrible time...here's what I got to do:  we went to a craft fair held in a convention type building...miles and miles of crafts to buy for Christmas - terrible!  Then, we went to the library to make tamales (remember I LOVE Mexican food) - aweful!;  then we stayed at the library and I read rows and rows and rows of children's poetry books (if you know me, you know how much I like poetry books and how scarce they are here) - yuck, yuck awful!;  then we ate at a Mexican restaurant - authentic, margaritas - nasty!  (ha-ha); and lastly, played our family traditional dominoes...worst day I ever had!  My sister said she wished she could have that terrible of a day...the best part is though my cousin and I have had several years keep us apart and on different paths out of touch, it was like old times...we talked easily, and I felt safe...one of the few days I felt that way.

Then, I went to my dad's house...now my dad is sometimes not easy to get along with...he has strong, very emotional opinions and rarely accepts those of others...but this time was different...I went to interview him about his life stories so I can share them with posterity...It was fun getting to know him on his terms...usually he is too busy and antsy to get back to his many projects...but this time, he sat patiently with me while I asked a lot of questions about his parents and grandparents and his childhood.  He was generous with his stories, and I saw him light up more than once.  This is the side of my dad I've always wanted to get to know..but he has held back and only lavished me with lenghty stories of the weather and tractors.  It was a great feeling.  He has a collection of old beat up cars in his yard...most people would consider them junk...and my family does...but he has a deep, passionate history about each and every one, and he has great plans to work on each of them.  I think it is what he thrives on and what keeps him alive.   And I got to witness this.  If it is my last time with my dad, it was an  awesome way to spend it with him.  I got to "know" him in ways that I hadn't before.  Am I still the black sheep?  probably...I stayed away from topics that would make me stand out and talked about our commonalities instead.  Thank you dear God for this awesome opportunity.

The rest of my trip was pretty hairy...I probably won't talk about it much...but this is where the vampires entered the picture.  They are selfish, mean people who only think of themselves and take away from others...I saw incident after incident of these people, and I knew why this was not my home...it was not safe...How I wish I could take my family away and show them what living and breathing normally feels like...I also wish they knew what it was like to be deeply and truly loved for who they are.  But those are their lessons to learn and their gold to find and mine.  I hope this life is enough time for them to gain this treasure.

For now, I revel in the fact home is "where the heart is."  My home, my acceptance of me is inside me.  Now, I have my Joey, the one man who truly knows me and loves me for all of me, good and bad...and I cherish that.  I'm home now...

Some more poetry fun

Hello!  Some poetry fun brought to you by my very fun poetry writing group facilitated by a dear friend of mine.

First, we did a teasing out of writing by setting out photo postcards on the floor.  Choose a postcard  that reflects your mood at the moment. Then use that photo to metaphorically explain your mood.  For example, if I was feeling extremely happy about something, I might choose a photo of a bird flying and describe my mood as I soar over the various landscape, etc.    - Try it!  It's quite fun!

Another one we tried was reading poetry from beloved poets and either using a phrase or two of the poets', or, using the imagery of memories conjured up while listening to the poem.  I took notes as the poem was being read to see where it jumped started me.  One such poem by Mary Oliver got me thinking about what I miss about Texas.  Though it still needs some reworking, what I like is it's energy and it's robust fullness of childhood memories.

Random thoughts on the Flavors of

Texas

I’ll tell you a

half dozen things about

the flavors of

Texas

The best bar-b-que ribs

and brisket you

ever did taste

because it’s grilled

in a brick fire pit

with

Mesquite

wood

and a homemade with a

vinegar/beer concoction.

even Bill Miller’s

on the corner can make

it almost like that

unlike Dickey’s

whose food tastes

cold and processed…

The sauce isn’t too bad though.

And  Ahhhh…

the Mexican food

so close to the border

has its advantages.

Those Mexican mamas making masa.

Enchiladas made from real corn tortillas,

with joy from hands which love

to dish deliciousness

to make your tongue tingle with taste

Now that’s

Texas

            -a true taste corner.

And did I tell you

about Big Red,

bubble gum soda,

the flavor of childhood

and firemen’s picnics…

and Blue Bonnet icecream…

You can’t buy that here in

Idaho

,

       a state

so lackluster in flavor.

Is it because the

borders are so far way?

or is it because I miss

The Taste of Home…

Even

Idaho

potatoes

tasted better in

Texas

grilled with my daddy’s hand

for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Is it because my daddy

is a good cook?

or do the potatoes

gain flavor

being trucked

all that distance?

I’m not dissing

on

Idaho

I just miss the

Flavors    of     

Texas

            …….mmmmmmmmm……..

Proud to be American

How I miss my blogging summer days...during the school year, I hardly have time to breathe...but I felt especially patriotic today.  Proud of both men, who gave profound speeches in the hopes of bringing our countries closer together.  I could feel everyone's hope rising, even when their candidate did not win...I saw more people vote than ever...I saw people in lines voting for both parties and feeling extremely proud that their vote counted in some way to this moment in history.  People brought their families...they endured long lines without complaint!  There was more unity than I have witnessed in a very long time.   It is time for our nation to heal...may all of us take the lead of John McCain and support "my president," whether you voted for him or not.  I also believe the words of both men, that we are all called to do our part to heal our country and support our country and sacrifice for our country.  One man cannot do it alone.  WE are AMERICA.   WE are AMERICANS..

God Bless the USA...as the world stands with us on this most historic day.

Food for the Front of your Fridge and Life

Today is a day of blessings, and may you be blessed with all that you need this day and everyday of your life.  I just wanted to give you some fridge food, for the front of your fridge.  Here is a list of 50 things to remember and live a blessed life.  Enjoy!  And have a fantabulous day!  I also put it in MS Word at the bottom.

LIFE

1.      Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2.      When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3.      Life is too short to waste time hating anyone

4.      Don’t take yourself so seriously No one else does.

5.       Pay off your credit cards every month.

6.      You don’t have to win every argument.  Agree to disagree.

7.       Cry with someone.  It’s more healing than crying alone.

8.       It’s OK to get angry with God – He can take it.

9.       Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others.  You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.  But don’t worry; Go never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties.  Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes.  If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.  But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.  Don’t save it for a special occasion.  Today is special!

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now.  Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words:  ‘in five years, will this matter?”

26. Always choose life.

27. Forgive everyone everything.

28. What other people think of you is none of your business.

29. Time heals almost everything.  Give time time.

30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

31. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick.  Your family will.

32. Believe in miracles.

33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

34. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

35. Growing old beats the alternative!  - dying young.

36. Your children get only one childhood.  Make it memorable.

37. Read the Psalms.  They cover every human emotion.

38. Get outside every day.  Miracles are waiting everywhere.

39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s we’d grab ours back.

40. Don’t audit life.  Show up and make the most of it now.

41. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

42. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

43. Envy is a waste of time.  You already have all you need.

44. The best is yet to come.

45. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

46. Take a deep breath.  It calms the mind.

47. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.

48. Yield.

49. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it is still a gift.

50. Have a blessed life!

Here is a link to an MS word format so you can put it on your fridge.

Download LIFE.doc

Passion for freedom

It was a bizarre day...not so typical...I've been really run down with two Halloween parties and hyper kids for two days and get to look forward to it again....then, the bird...

I was returning from the store with my husband and my daughter informed us there was a bird trapped in the window who just kept slamming her head against the window trying to get out.  I felt terrible for her during this process, because she wanted desperately out that window and just couldn't figure out how to do it.  We have vaulted ceilings, and our ladder wasn't high enough.  So my husband got several brooms and had my daughter and I try to guide the bird out the front door as he shooed it from the alcove.  The bird flew higher past our reach, zipped through the window to our sun room and right into the window of the sun room.  She hit so hard and dropped so fast that I knew she broke her neck.  I couldn't believe that I just watched her do that.  My husband took her outside and put her in a spot to recover safe from our cat.  But she never did recover.

If she would have slowed down, and been patient, I could have assisted her out the window...but she wanted it too badly...and desperation causes us to lose our senses...and then there's nothing anyone can do.  I admire her passion...her pursuit for freedom...and then I wondered how many times I've wanted something so desperately and lost it because I just couldn't wait...because someone tried to assist me.                 ..but then I think of the other lesson too...how passionate that bird was and how maybe in a small way, she achieved her dream.  She is free at last...no windows or doors to bind her.

To Thine Own Self Be True - Facing Adversity

At my virtual sister's bloghouse Creative Thursday, Marisa tagged me to do an experiement with the topic of “Secrets to Dealing with Adversity.  This excites me, because I can't wait to see what all of you will post.  This is how women unite and learn great living, sharing.

The first thought that came to my mind, and first thoughts are usually the most raw and true thoughts, was "To Thine Own Self Be True."  I remember all the things I wanted, namely in my late twenties, that seemed so out of my reach, a job that I really was passionate about even then, teaching. I was newly divorced (something I never dreamed I would be) with two young children, 1 and 2, and I wanted desperately to go back to school. Many times I was told by almost everyone I knew that it was impossible.  I was told that I was abandoning my life with my children; that I couldn't finish or wouldn't finish (yes, even my family told me that!); I had no support financially or emotionally by anyone.  My situation felt hopeless. 

Then, a very small voice, one that had been stifled often and had not been heard in a while, said, "what is your truth?  What is the one thread that vibrates and runs true with you?"  And though the answer seemed so small at the time, it's vibration began to pulse through me from heart to limbs, and the action began to occur.  When money seemed overwhelming and tight; when  I was afraid I was quitting a job that I was good at and got paid well because it didn't fit my hours; when time was desperate; when my energy was spent and I was on my hands and knees sobbing on the floor; my thread kept me focused and true.  To this day, I am in awe of all that I accomplished with that small amount of time and money, and I know that what I did was not only right for me, but for my children as well.

Two other very important things to remember about adversity that Marisa and I agree on are choice and gratitude.  I am grateful for this adversity and pain for it was the best teacher.  I learned that being alone wasn't all that bad because I got to know me, the true me, without all the fake cheerful faces. Adversity taught me what I stood for (no one but you to talk to).  These days too many people are afraid of being alone and get the next person who comes along...believe me, I did.  And when I sat still long enough, I learned about me ,and I became the person I wanted to marry, and the right person did come along.  I didn't settle. In adversity came some of my best poetry and my daughter's most passionate art.  In adversity came my biggest truths.  If pain had not been my teacher, I might not have noticed the truth.

I always had a choice to wallow in my fear, pain, aloneness, or be in the present in the now, truly living...breathing.  I could choose to feel angry, sad and sorry for myself (passive) or do something (active).  I could choose to die an insignificant, lowly death or live VIBRANTLY!

Think about it.  Wasn't adversity that got you what you wanted?  No athlete, actor, author, musician,  mom, dad, poet, got the prize they wanted without it.  Sacrifices and pain brought them there.  If you get a chance to read autobiographies, and there are some good ones, like Measure of a Man by Sydney Poitier. You will read their arduous journies and know that it wasn't just handed to them.  Many of them worked hard to get their talent.  Those you think have the charmed life, choose to live positively...don't think for a minute that they don't have adversity.  What will you choose?

Wow, guess I should start podcasting on posts that I'm passionate about!  Because it's a lot to read.  What I want you to walk away with is the question:  What is that thread of truth that vibrates within you? Be true to it with every breath and every heartbeat...for it is the guide to your soul.

Consider yourself tagged if you feel passionate about this.  Please use your voice because we women deserve mentors like you. So many of you have moved me with your words. For now, I shall pick on a couple of people who I know have come through adversity with a positive attitude...my soul sister Helene  and my ever lovely Jane.  Let me know if you do...I want to read!  Have a blessed weekend

The Garden - Here's to the Composte, Here's to the sh--

Our mantra for our writing project:

    Here's to the composte

    Here's to the sh--

   and here's to the garden

   that grows from it.

At first I was shocked by this toast at one of our retreats.  But writers find metaphors everyday ,and this was a metaphor I truly understood as my dad had a "worm" garden.  I used to think how disgusting it was to see all the "crap" that was piled in our composte garden: coffee grounds (a daily special) and onion peelings and smelly, smelly things.  My dad dutifully stirred and mixed and mixed and stirred to get this "crap," I mean concoction, just right so he'd get the fattest, juiciest worms for fishing.

The other reason I understood the metaphor is because in writing, we have this thing we call stream of consciousness writing, where we just write, write, write and not care about what the writing is or editing it or attending to it at all.  Our purpose, write.  What I love about this method is that you can crush the editor and you can find nuggets, beautiful, pure thoughts, first thoughts nuggets.  These I call "nuggets of truth" because the thoughts are not tainted and it's what's really on my mind.  Natalie Goldberg, in Writing Down the Bones, a great author mentor, gives us this exercise, and actually gives us permission to write the worst crap in order to get to these first thoughts.  If you think about it, we usually layer our talking and our writing, and censor it and edit it all the time for worry about who's reading or if it's proper...when all it is, is that we are human and have these feelings we deserve to get out.

The bottom line, the real reason I'm writing this post, came to me in my thoughts last night.  I couldn't understand why I wasn't writing. But the Universe, in her grand wisdom, knew I deserved to experience yesterday first.  For those of you with haunting, torturing, thoughts and crap piled high with wicked thoughts, unfair thoughts, lack of justice thoughts and pure "shi_ _ y" thoughts, this is for you.  It took almost twenty years, but yesterday, for the first time, I heard my "ex"  and his dad, have some thoughts of responsibility.  Sometimes for men, it takes a really long time to mature.  I don't know that this blog is long enough to explain all the despair this man has caused or that I have allowed him to cause...You see, he was an alcoholic...a spitting image of my dad...a history I did not want to repeat if I wanted my daughters to have a better life.  I knew the anger and the hatred of this kind of life that these people created.  I knew there would be no peace for any of us...I knew the sickness that could not be cut out...and I fought, for the first time, for me.  I got divorced FOR MY KIDS.  Too many people stay in marriages "for the sake of kids."  And I wonder, how is that FOR THEM?  Two people, who don't know how to communicate, one slowly and painfully killing himself, misery and heartache on a daily basis...what does that teach a child?  That life is ugly every day?  I got out. And for this decision, I was severely punished, chastised and alone. My in laws, two people who adored me in the beginning, banished me and cursed me.  My family, who is not all that affectionate any way, lived in Texas...so truly, I had to face being a single mom alone.  No one else in my family, except for my dad had been divorced, so no one could even assuage the guilt or the pain I was feeling.  I couldn't even get physical affection or nurturing.  When I think about the crap, I wonder how I got through it.  However, that period was the incubation period for some very intense feelings...anger at an unjust world wherein the offender wasn't punished, but then there were some tender moments of a mom with her children...a mom full of hope and dreams that she could make a life with her children.

Wow...didn't know that was there...but it's important to see the composte.  For years, I paid.  I paid emotionally for "giving up my family." I financially paid for everything, medical insurance, daycare, housing, my education, everything because that was another way the family could make me see my evil ways.  My dearest husband feels more responsibility than he ever did...he has nurtured these girls emotionally and financially as if they were his own, and he carried the same burdens I did because he had the honor of being associated closely with me.  For years, before I was married and up until now, I've paid for most everything.  Joe,my husband, thought it was easier not to fight about any of it, and he actually received pleasure from providing for them.  I always thought the ex would be inspired to provide for his children, but it never happened.  Each time a bill came, it was a "sentence" for the evil I had done of getting divorced.

Good thing I follow my heart instead of my head.  I could have easily given up and taken a more popular easy going path.  My girls will never know the pain that man has caused.  They just "love" their dad.  In the end, he has proven himself to them, and I didn't have to say a word.  In this way, I am not tainting the girls' thinking and our relationship stays unharmed and more peaceful.  I always kept believing the ex would mature and help out, and I hoped and provided many opportunities with promises from him and beliefs

The garden that grew from it? Yesterday, my mother-in-law gave me a hug and said she wanted to get me a Mother's Day card and birthday card to say thank you for raising the girls so well because they've turned out to be such nice girls.  All she said was thank you.  You would think she paid me a million dollars.  (Just so you know, that this woman was an important part of my daughters' teenage years.  She worked with me to do what was best for the girls and left the men to themselves.) But it was nice to hear the words and it was a healing moment of appreciation.  The best part was for the first time ever, dad and grandpa worked together and paid for my daughter's car to be fixed and talked with my husband about what we could do to make the car ready for her to drive back and forth from Portland.  One day, I will write about how HUGE that is...for now, it was 5 people coming together for this pure, wonderfully spirited girl and just loving her, instead of being involved in thou shalts...it was A beautiful slice of heaven.

I took a long time to say it...but the composte is growing my healing garden now...and my, from here, it's gorgeous and colorful.

(I'll post my "C" list later today.  Jane is getting so far ahead of me, but I felt a burning desire at 3:30 this morning to write.)

"I sing, I dream, I love anyway

I found an inspiring song that I wanted to share with my fellow bloggers by Martina McBride because I know that when I am struggling, it helps to lift me up and keep moving step by step.  My favorite line is the tag line "I sing, I dream, I love anyway."  Singing represents art or writing for me.  If I do these things everyday for myself, then I find at least one golden nugget of truth and inspiration to hold onto...if I can continue to dream (not dwell) and imagine myself in the moment I want to be in, I continue to take the steps toward my goal, it becomes a fluid, forward motion.  And when all else fails, I just love the moment I am in, the people I am with, the love for myself, all is well...During these last few weeks of school, when all the projects come crashing in, and there's still so much left to do, and I have to move, and I have to move my daughter, it's best if I just love these beautiful spirits I teach everyday.  Aaaah, I wish you could see these eyes full of hope and dreams and just pure, radiant love...you'd know what I was talking about.  Magnify the beauty you see in your children by 45 x, and you'll know what I'm talking about.  I'm in awe of all the blessings I receive from being with these beautiful spirits.  May it bring you joy too.  Blessings to all of you!

"Anyway" by Martina McBride (Martina McBride/Brett Warren/Brad Warren)

1st Verse

You can spend your whole life buildin'
Somethin' from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

2nd Verse

You can chase a dream
That seems so outta reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

Chorus

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
(Yeah) I do it anyway (yeah, yeah)

3rd Verse

This world's gone crazy
And it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

4th Verse

You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
And in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

(Repeat Chorus)

5th Verse

You can pour your soul out singin'
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah, sing it anyway, yeah yeah

Tag

I sing
I dream
I love anyway, yeah

By the way...for Sunday Scribblings, I made a tribute to my daughter in answer to the Sunday Scribbling things...