creative faery

Going home

Ahhhh...if you ever lived in the south, especially Texas, you will understand this story.  Texas is a culture...a way of living.  There is a saying, "you can take the girl out of Texas, but you can't take the Texas out of the girl."  I have always thought this.  I love the mesquite trees and the bright sunshine (I'm a sunshine girl), and I love Big Red and potatoes and Mexican food...all the flavors and smells of Texas...  So, as you can imagine, I call this place home.

I've lived in Idaho now for over 20 years...I've lost my accent and some of my traditions...and still feel this kinship...but this particular trip taught me that it is not my "home."  Home is where you feel comfortable and safe...where your ideas and principals and opinions are all sacred and unique to you and where people accept you for who you are, face value...

When I go to Texas and visit family, I realize sometimes it is not that safe and there are so many parts of me that people don't accept...really, I'm the black sheep...mostly because I'm happy and don't hang out with vampires!  ha-ha...we call people who suck your energy emotional vampires...If that makes me a black sheep and vampires don't like black sheep meat, then I accept that name! ha ha...

The good news:  I had an amazing time with my cousin Karen.  Actually, I teased her and my family that I had a rotten, no good, terrible, horrible time...here's what I got to do:  we went to a craft fair held in a convention type building...miles and miles of crafts to buy for Christmas - terrible!  Then, we went to the library to make tamales (remember I LOVE Mexican food) - aweful!;  then we stayed at the library and I read rows and rows and rows of children's poetry books (if you know me, you know how much I like poetry books and how scarce they are here) - yuck, yuck awful!;  then we ate at a Mexican restaurant - authentic, margaritas - nasty!  (ha-ha); and lastly, played our family traditional dominoes...worst day I ever had!  My sister said she wished she could have that terrible of a day...the best part is though my cousin and I have had several years keep us apart and on different paths out of touch, it was like old times...we talked easily, and I felt safe...one of the few days I felt that way.

Then, I went to my dad's house...now my dad is sometimes not easy to get along with...he has strong, very emotional opinions and rarely accepts those of others...but this time was different...I went to interview him about his life stories so I can share them with posterity...It was fun getting to know him on his terms...usually he is too busy and antsy to get back to his many projects...but this time, he sat patiently with me while I asked a lot of questions about his parents and grandparents and his childhood.  He was generous with his stories, and I saw him light up more than once.  This is the side of my dad I've always wanted to get to know..but he has held back and only lavished me with lenghty stories of the weather and tractors.  It was a great feeling.  He has a collection of old beat up cars in his yard...most people would consider them junk...and my family does...but he has a deep, passionate history about each and every one, and he has great plans to work on each of them.  I think it is what he thrives on and what keeps him alive.   And I got to witness this.  If it is my last time with my dad, it was an  awesome way to spend it with him.  I got to "know" him in ways that I hadn't before.  Am I still the black sheep?  probably...I stayed away from topics that would make me stand out and talked about our commonalities instead.  Thank you dear God for this awesome opportunity.

The rest of my trip was pretty hairy...I probably won't talk about it much...but this is where the vampires entered the picture.  They are selfish, mean people who only think of themselves and take away from others...I saw incident after incident of these people, and I knew why this was not my home...it was not safe...How I wish I could take my family away and show them what living and breathing normally feels like...I also wish they knew what it was like to be deeply and truly loved for who they are.  But those are their lessons to learn and their gold to find and mine.  I hope this life is enough time for them to gain this treasure.

For now, I revel in the fact home is "where the heart is."  My home, my acceptance of me is inside me.  Now, I have my Joey, the one man who truly knows me and loves me for all of me, good and bad...and I cherish that.  I'm home now...

Silencing the Critic - A Tool for Celebrating YOU!

Hello my friends!  I learned a great new technique in my writing class this week.  Actually, the lady is a poetry therapist, but we recovering writers join the club to get ourselves out of the slump...but the tools she gives us are often healing and revealing and very helpful.  The tool this week is a tool I think will assist everyone, even if they aren't writers.  I offered it as a tool for my friend who is going through getting out of a very emotionally abusive situation.  May it assist you!

You are writing a story wherein everyone whom has ever criticized your writing gets put on a bus.  In this case, I think it works if you've ever been criticized about anything, especially an emotionally abusive situation, or a voice holding you back from doing what you were created to do.  Whose voice do you hear?  What are they saying?  Put them on the bus and send them to who knows where?   They don't have to be comfortable, just get them out of there!  Continously write and don't stop...scream it out!  Shout it out!  YOUR voice will be heard on the pages.  If you get stuck, keep the metaphor going!  Make it a boring, drawn out, hot trip....keep writing!

Then, to change the channel, you begin to write about all the voices you hear that encourage you as a writer, or as a person.  Who are THESE people?  Make THEIR voices heard!  Is it a sister, a friend, a teacher, or even a stranger?  Who recognizes what you are trying to accomplish?  Who celebrates the gift of you? These are the voices you want to record, and these are the voices you want to hear over and over.  Write it!  Type it!   and put it on your mirror!   May YOU see the beautiful woman in the mirror like WE see her!

Enjoy!  And if you try this exercise and feel it's helpful, let me know.  I'm curious to see the results.  Have a blessed weekend!

Food for the Front of your Fridge and Life

Today is a day of blessings, and may you be blessed with all that you need this day and everyday of your life.  I just wanted to give you some fridge food, for the front of your fridge.  Here is a list of 50 things to remember and live a blessed life.  Enjoy!  And have a fantabulous day!  I also put it in MS Word at the bottom.

LIFE

1.      Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2.      When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3.      Life is too short to waste time hating anyone

4.      Don’t take yourself so seriously No one else does.

5.       Pay off your credit cards every month.

6.      You don’t have to win every argument.  Agree to disagree.

7.       Cry with someone.  It’s more healing than crying alone.

8.       It’s OK to get angry with God – He can take it.

9.       Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others.  You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.  But don’t worry; Go never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties.  Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes.  If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.  But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.  Don’t save it for a special occasion.  Today is special!

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now.  Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words:  ‘in five years, will this matter?”

26. Always choose life.

27. Forgive everyone everything.

28. What other people think of you is none of your business.

29. Time heals almost everything.  Give time time.

30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

31. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick.  Your family will.

32. Believe in miracles.

33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

34. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

35. Growing old beats the alternative!  - dying young.

36. Your children get only one childhood.  Make it memorable.

37. Read the Psalms.  They cover every human emotion.

38. Get outside every day.  Miracles are waiting everywhere.

39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s we’d grab ours back.

40. Don’t audit life.  Show up and make the most of it now.

41. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

42. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

43. Envy is a waste of time.  You already have all you need.

44. The best is yet to come.

45. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

46. Take a deep breath.  It calms the mind.

47. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.

48. Yield.

49. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it is still a gift.

50. Have a blessed life!

Here is a link to an MS word format so you can put it on your fridge.

Download LIFE.doc

Hold a boundary - Save a family

I saw my friend this weekend and got home today.  The pain of the cycle of emotional abuse is just crazy.  There are so many ups and downs because you want to break away and choose a new path, but you can't break the cycle because somehow you feel that it is all your fault and you believe that person.  The other person in this marriage is not taking any responsibility...but why should he, because she is taking all of it...right down to maybe she's imagining it all?  The pain for her is most unbearable, and as her friend, I feel it is even more unbearable because I know she is close enough to taste freedom.

But, there were great gains made too...She did some moving...and she got an apartment...but it's difficult to keep moving forward because there is so much she's afraid of losing.  I'm proud of her because she is being strong...and she's getting counseling...though sometimes it is so long before the next appointment.

For now, I'd love to praise women everywhere who are breaking this cycle of abuse!  I'm not saying your marriage has to break...what I am saying is you need to draw clear boundaries and stick to them!  One day, I'd like to be that advocate for women and cheer them on.  But somehow I'm afraid I would feel their pain too much and never be able to rise above.

Have a blessed and safe day my friends.  Hold a boundary.  Save a family.

More Musings & the Woman in the Mirror

It's my first day without her, and I already miss her terribly!  My heart aches...I miss her whipping around to the stairs and saying, "Hi mom!"  and telling me all about her day or night or whatever is going on in her life.  I'm happy for her, don't get me wrong.  Her apartment is really neat and clean and very comfortable.  She has really nice people all around her, and she's incredibly close to school.  Kelci has always had an independent nature ever since I can remember.  Life is definitely done on her terms, which is why I miss her so much.  I can't imagine what greatness she will bring to this world.  She's the best friend anyone can have.  Her roommates are so lucky!  She will embrace them and love them for who they are.  Maybe through her living example, other women will be inspired by her ability to love you and respect you, and expect you to respect her back.  I can't imagine her ever having a boyfriend or husband like the friend I told you about yesterday.

Speaking of that friend...some smaller battles have been won, and I'm extremely proud of her...but I'm afraid the bigger battle has not been won........You see, it's difficult to draw boundaries for those you've been in relationship for so many years...even harder to maintain.  Sometimes there is "too much water under the bridge" for either of you to act any differently, no matter how much you desire it.  It's not that anyone is weak (though it seems so), it's just that it's difficult to see the path to take...the girl in the mirror is losing because she can't see her beauty...the image is fuzzy and others try to tell her how she looks...she sees faint lines of what they are saying and says, yeah, I see that, but what was once a beautiful flower blossomed boldy and brightly is faded.  He tells her she's a dandelion - a pesty weed that should be plucked and cast aside...she believes him...after all, how could this person you married be wrong?

I still see the rose in all its elegance...I describe it to the woman in the mirror, but she sees only the thorns.

A Day to Honor Women

I'm a little bit of every emotion today...seems the world is a very busy place and I am not focused.  There are some great things happening and some sad things happening all at once, causing a river of emotions and craziness in me. 

Good news - My daughter found a really great place to rent right near BSU campus.  She can walk to all her classes and save tons of money on gas.  She is even close enough to bike to work...big concerns since she's used to the wonderful transportation system in Oregon. (Boise is light years away from any transportation.)  The sad news is that this finalizes my last one actually leaving the nest and I'm overwhelmed with all the emotions it brings.  I've even been jealous of all the time with her friends!  (that's sad!)  I want her to be happy; but I also know this is a HUGE deal and a time in her life that is changing for her and for me.  She assures me she still needs me in her life...but to me, it's sooooo different.  The house is soooooooooooooooo QUIET!  that it's LOUDLY NOTICEABLE!   I miss her positive, sunshine energy...and watching Gilmore girls and eating Chinese...yes, we can still do that, but reality is that it won't happen for awhile.  She's so ready...and damned her mother taught her independence.  What's up with that?  I'm going to have to have a talk with her mother!  :)

The other thing weighing heavily on my mind is that I have a friend who has been putting up with an emotionally abusive man most of her life.  She is a wonderful person who deserves to be loved and honored and cherished...and none of these things are happening.  She has had enough and wants to leave.  What's worse is that she feels guilty because people accept it when you leave because of physical abuse...you don't see the wounds and scars from emotional abuse...and if the perpetrator is really good, which he is, then outsiders very rarely see the evidence of this abuse....I wish she had the courage to draw boundaries and hold them and maintain them...even more so, I wish she knew that she is worthy of being loved every day of her life, unconditionally.  This is my wish for all the women in the world...it is also my wish to somehow find a way to assist those women because I've been there, done that, and I know the deeply wounded feelings of shame and guilt that last a lifetime, even if you are lucky enough to get out like I did.  My biggest fear is that she'll stay, and even more so, that something worse might happen.  My heart is broken and torn because in the end, all I can do is encourage, but if the girl in the mirror doesn't feel confident about herself and her abilities, then she won't be able to make the changes necessary to survive.

I shall have to pray fervently...if you feel compelled, maybe you can send a message out to the universe for her too, and for all your other sisters dealing with the same pains.

Sorry I was so sad today...really wanted to be upbeat...but sometimes, you just have to be real.  Iknow there are others feeling the pain too.   May God bless you and give you the courage to not only face that man, but to face the beautiful woman in the mirror too.... Have a good week.

Heavenly Angel Returning and Blessings

A beautiful angel, one of my kindergarteners went home to her Heavenly Father this week.  It was a tragic accident.  One which left the tiny community I teach in devastated.  It was a weird accident.  Their family was driving near a cliff near their house when a 250 pound rock landed only on her side of the car, killing her instantly.  Her family is really having a difficult time because this young girl was a lot like my little sunshine, happy and bright all the time.  The picture slides they showed of her made the whole church crumble because it's a great loss of joy to our community.  Her sister is the one I'm most worried about because they were so very close and she was sitting next to her.  I know how close my daughters are and how tragic that would be if they were separated.  I can't imagine what this is doing to her.  God must of really needed a bright spirit in heaven.  I know she's dancing there because you could always find her dancing.  Her magnificent spirit will be sorely missed.

Some blessings for this week have been our bright sunny days and finally the feeling of summer.  It's awesome!   I breathe sunshine and feel like myself again.  The flowers are blooming all around so beautifully.  (pictures later)

I'm learning a lot in school and stretching myself so much.  I never knew one subject, art, could make me smile and cry at the same time.  I also never knew it would be so crazy difficult!!!!   Where I hope I'm blessed in the future is really getting proportions and how to balance something...and maybe get a little swifter on coming up with ideas for these abstract projects.  It's challenging when you don't even know or understand what these projects are about...but they're fun, and I'm growing in ways I didn't think were possible.

So hey, here's to ART in ALL its glory!  AND here's to YOU in having a great week.

Bringing My Baby Back

It's finally sunny today...and all I can say is that it's because I'm bringing my baby back from Portland!  Even my cat knows...funny thing, he ALWAYS hangs out downstairs in our closet; but today, he was sleeping upstairs in HER closet.  Animals are so smart!

YEAH!   I'm so excited to see her and more excited she'll be nearby and that the visits won't seem so few and far between.  There's nothing like having your children come home.  She's very independent now and so grown up.  I'm very proud of her because she's learned financial freedom (so far) and how to live on a tight budget and a very small space.  I think she'll be very happy.  The most important part, she seems to not let boys interfere with her goals....that's cool!

Part of me is sad because now she's entering the world of grown-ups.  I wish she could have stayed in Portland to attend college one more year and just have fun and learn in a less stressful environment. But out-of-state tuition, even with scholarships, is way too expensive.  I want her to just enjoy the college experience without all the responsibilities we have as adults.  She'll still attend Boise State, but she wants to live on her own and be near the college...which means, learning to juggle a job and friends and school...not that she can't do that, because she did it very well in high school.  It's just that we get to have all those responsibilities for so very long.

What I get to remember is that she's HAPPY!  ANNNNND, SHE'S HOME!   I'll take pictures and put them up next week so you can see my sunshine girls!  Both of them are doing soooo well...

Have blessed day...talk to you soon.

McCall Retreat

Winding down...Yesterday, my husband and I went to McCall.  It's still one of the most beautiful and serene places on earth, and I can enjoy it just two hours from my home. There were very few people there by the lake, because it's still covered with snow...My husband just wanted to get away from the bustle of our daily lives.  I used to do this a lot as a little girl because we lived in the country and went to school in the city.  I got to experience daily retreats of solitude, which is difficult when you live with a family of 8...but I had a pond (neighbor's pond actually) that I would go to and write and just "be."   It felt a lot like the land of Narnia, because could be anything I wanted to be...pretending often...This is where I became a word warrior.  I loved writing and playing with words and witnessing all that was there in this kingdom...I fought my inner battles in this place, and I think it saved my life...I miss that haven.

I wish I was good at shutting out the world without this sanctuary, but I'm not...I let things come in and bug me to the point of self torture.  I neeeeed mother nature to center me and balance me.

The lake is still peaceful and calm because man can't take those noisy boats through yet...and you can just hear the sounds of mother nature, birds gathering and nesting, water gently moving, trees shaking...  After I trekked through the piles of snow, still about 6" thick in many places, I laid on a gnarly old log laying on the beach and soaked some vitamin "D."  I love the sun...It vitalizes and nourishes me...Why don't I take these retreats more often?

I feel more calm and ready to finish the year.  Two more weeks...may I remain patient with these children who have seemingly really lost their minds and forgotten how to be in school.  We're back to the first few days of a lot of crying...I think their anxiousness is due to worries of what will happen next year.  They just realized that I won't be continuing with them next year, which symbolizes another change and another person to get used to outside of mom.  It's scary, and it's hard.  I have to remember this and talk with them and ease them through this tough time.  Friday, they got to experience what it was like to be in first grade because they got to stay all day and eat lunch with the "big" kids and have buddies to do projects with...It's very cool!  For those of you who are so good at praying for me as I am on this journey, please put in an extra prayer...I'll need it... 

Sunshine gone again

My sunshine went back to Portland...and they say it rains a lot in Portland...but I'm sure with my Kelci there, it's sunny more often than not....funny thing, it's raining here in Boise today....It's dreary...

But ohhhhhhhh, did we have a great time!  We had the best Easter we've ever had..about 8 kids, lots of pizza and laughing till our guts fell out...then Monday we went to a concert, Kate Vogel; she's soooooo cute, energetic and fun!  She was featured on One Tree Hill, a teenage soap-like drama on t.v.  I hear lots of good music, even the show is not that exciting to me. The other two bands who played with Kate were fun too - Whitest Light had some good music and they have some clips on I-tunes...nice alternative sound, clear quality voice - Kelley James wasn't as good of a musician, but he certainly was entertaining and had a good song called "Stalker," but he assured us it was in a good way?    It's not main stage music, but I like small town people, they're down to earth and you can be right next to them on stage.  It felt intimate, like we were listening to them at a party, and then you can meet them afterwards.  There are still some good things left in this ever growing city.

Yesterday was errand day for Kelci and I...but it didn't seem like it because we talk and laugh a lot.  She's like my best friend...ohhhh I'm gonna miss her!   We took time to have pedicures ( a splurge I know - but we feel pretty!)

      I took a couple of Springish pictures...I say Springish is because Boise is being stubborn about breaking out the flower splashes this year....we have a couple of small buds, but hey, isn't it time to get this party started?   I found a squirrel out and about, but he "discovered" me and scampered off, and then I found this bird.  I'm not very knowledgeable about birds, but he was willing to pose for me.   I'm going to have to brush up on some of Valaine's great tricks....I know there are some more colorful guys out there!  I have to brush up on the focus too...It's a start toward the positive hope that Spring will soon be here. 

Well, until next time and more signs of spring, have a wondermous week...